Grace

I was fortunate to have a delightful visit with my friend Angela this weekend. We first met five years ago when I was assigned to student teach at the school where she teaches. Angela was so kind to include me in her activities and we became fast friends. We have kept in touch over the years and I’ve always been so blessed when we share- whether in person or through email.

You see, Angela has every reason to be angry with God. By the worlds standard, she has every excuse to be bitter and resentful. Thirteen years ago, Angela loss the use of her legs. She has been in a wheelchair ever since. Though many would weaken in defeat, she has risen with grace to accomplish so much. She has pursued her dreams: attending college, becoming an amazing teacher, supervising the middle school program at her school, living independently, traveling, receiving her Masters Degree- to name just a few accomplishments.

But, even more amazing is the woman Angela has become. She is graceful. In the midst of her life situation, giving the glory to God. Praising Him for All things. Seeing His hand working in her- through her. She is yielded to Him- allowing Him to use her wherever she is- whether it is in the classroom, with her family, her church, or in her relationships.

She and I both have experienced similar relationship situations this last year. We’ve emailed back and forth- sharing the joys, the questions, the frustrations- and though our stories are so different- she has faithfully encouraged me to see God’s hand moving in all things. It has been wonderful to sit with her and know she completely understands what I’ve experienced- the fear, the failures- the unanswered questions.

Angela shared an amazing quote this weekend- so amazing that I have to share it:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers.”
Letter to a Young Poet by Ranier Maria Rilke

Unanswered Questions has been a theme of my heart for many years. There are specific experiences that remain unanswered. Some have burdened my heart- grieved my heart- caused me to question present decisions and choices. But yet- God wants me to live with these unsolved questions. He has decided that, for whatever reason, it is not time for me to know the answers. Maybe because I wouldn’t be able to handle them- maybe the lessons He wants to teach me are in the questions. These questions force me to seek Him- His heart- His plans- His desires. Maybe that is what it is all for. Perhaps, someday He will choose to reveal the answers- and maybe He won’t. I need to concentrate on today- what He is showing me, what He is allowing me to experience. Being completely present in the present- not in the past and not in the future.

I am thankful for my relationship with God- one whom I can put my full confidence and hope in. And for friends that He brings across my path- who provide encouragement, challenge and insights from their journeys.

Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend."

My Cohort

Last weekend was great!  My best friend Alicia (and her adorable hubby Matt) live just 3 hours north in New Hampshire.  I am so fortunate to have her so close- and I am really trying to visit more often because she is my most favorite person.  

Alicia and I became friends about 11 years ago.  She is two years younger than me, so we really didn’t “hang out” at church growing up.  I had spent two summers teaching children’s Bible clubs and needed to partner with someone from my home church.  Alicia was my first choice.  She was fun, spunky and I knew we would get along.  I was surprised when her mom said she could work with me all summer!  We had more fun those two summers.  Little adventures everyday- garbage digging, meeting some unique people, working with diverse kids!  And, Alicia was so patient with a stubborn, know-it-all partner.  We only fought one time (that we can recall).  It was over something so stupid- I don’t think either of us remembers what it was.  But I remember we refused to talk to each other and then had to be guests at this house and put on a sweet “missionary” front!  That night, we made up and then designed fabulous Jelly Belly flavors for each other.

Our friendship has grown over the years- and no matter the distance; we always come back to the place where we left off.  It is a comfortable place, where we are both free to be vulnerable.  Alicia knows me so well and I can’t hide anything from her.  She is sincere, willing to listen, provides counsel and correction when I need it and has given unconditional love when I didn’t deserve it.  What makes our friendship so special is that it has always been centered on our relationship with the Lord.  It was ministry that drew us together in the beginning and our desire to pursue Christ maintains our friendship.

One of my brightest memories is from a period in my life that was very dark.  I had experienced some very deep hurts and was pretty angry with God for allowing it to happen.  Alicia was patient through the whole process- offering counsel when needed and wisely listening too.  One night, sitting in her dorm room- she took the opportunity to remind me of God’s enduring love.  She gracefully and boldly read Psalm 136- reminding me that even in the darkest moments, God’s love shines through and remains.  It was a turning point in my relationship with the Lord and I am thankful that she willing risked herself to declare truth to me.

I am thankful for the friends that God has provided for me.  All so unique and different.  Each brings various strengths that complement my weaknesses.  From them, I learn so much.  I am thankful especially for Alicia- and look forward to many adventures as our lives continue to be intertwined.

PS- And I’m pretty glad her husband likes me too…or we’d have problems!

Unanswered Questions

Unanswered Questions.  We all have them.  How am I going to pay my bills?  Why did this person hurt me?  What should I do with my future?  What is God doing through this situation?  Why do I feel so alone?  In college, I read a devotional by Elisabeth Elliot that challenged me to commit each of these questions to God- to leave them in His hands and trust Him.  

Funny-

Here I am once again, asking the same questions.  My life is full of unanswered questions at this moment.  Should I do this or that?  Should I go here or there?  And if you’re like me, you deliberate.  You mull.  You weigh the pros and cons, the concerns, the consequences, how it will fit in the “big scheme of things”.  And in the end, I always come back to this simple truth.  

“I wait for the Lord.  My soul waits,
and in His Word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord more
than watchmen for the morning.”
Psalm 130: 5,6

So basic.  So elementary.  But so hard to just wait.  To be still and patient- allowing God to work and orchestrate His plans.
I read this short devotional in another book by Elisabeth Elliot- and it is so good I have to put it here.

“Few of us enjoy having to wait for something we want.  It is human nature to desire instant gratification, and it is divine nature to do many things very, very slowly.  Growth is always imperceptible.  But the farmer exercises long patience in waiting for his crop.  He has done his work and is assured of the result, hence he waits quietly.  He is at rest because the outcome (barring disastrous “acts of God”) is certain.  If we could simply remember that is true of everything- that God’s purposes are slowing being worked out for His glory and our good- we would, like the farmer, keep faith and wait quietly.

Lord, take from us all fretting and hurrying and teach us to
rest our hearts in the “ultimate certainty” (James 5:7)

Sometimes we think waiting means sitting around until God writes the answer in the sky.  My dad used to say, “We would be much better off if we would get busy doing what we know God wants us to do instead of sitting around and wondering about all the things we don’t have the answers to”.  How true.  Instead of getting flustered and worried about the unanswered questions, I need to get busy doing the directives that are so clear in His Word.  

Love thy neighbor
Be Salt and Light
Trust in the Lord
Obey His Word
Glorify Your Father
Worship in Spirit and Truth
Pray Continually

Get Up- Look Up- and Get Busy doing what you know God wants you to do.

Sleepless Nights

When was the last time you had a sleepless night? Until this year, I don’t remember ever having one. However, in the last four months, I have had three. Nights where you just lay there, tossing and turning, your mind racing. It’s like a train in my head. The wheels turning, smoke churning- racing down the track. The first sleepless night was caused by the realization that I might have missed something wonderful. I laid there- envisioning what could have happened, what might have been, what I should have done. I was filled with the intense fear that I had forever screwed things up! The last two nights of sleeplessness were surprising to me. I had found out some sad news about someone I know. The specifics of the news are not important- but the brevity of the decisions that were made by this person is great. My heart broke. Questions filled my mind- “What? How could he? Was it always like this?” I thought of this person’s family and the pain he was causing them. Piercing though loudly was “How could he turn his back on God?” For days afterwards, my mind and heart were overwhelmed with concern for this person.

Times of despair and heartache reveal our heart. We can hide behind our mask when times are good- but when trouble comes, it exposes what we really think about God. In both the situations- my heart turned to prayer. On my bed, I cried out to God- pleading for His direction, for His grace to reach those involved, for conviction of heart, for restoration, for comfort, for protection. I wish in my every day life I could say that I was a person of prayer. I offer bits and pieces of prayers throughout the day and when I feel burdened I write in a prayer journal. But, I would not classify myself as a person of prayer. I am thankful that my heart turned to the Lord- but ashamed that prayer is not my regular habit, not a characteristic of who I am.

The other realization that hit me was how emotional and upset I got over the sinful choices of someone else. My heart grieved for this person. And yet, my heart does not grieve over my sin as it should. I make excuses for my behavior- my choices- my sin. I offer up a little prayer of forgiveness and go on my merry way, only to fall flat on my face again. God always offers grace and mercy- but I often forget (or choose to forget) that my sins grieve His heart. It pains Him. He watches me, one who He loves and gave His very Son to provide freedom for me. And I turn around and throw it back in His face.

I’m working to become more disciplined in my prayer life- and I’m praying that my heart will be more sensitive to how my sinful decisions grieve the heart of God and that I would respond before I commit them instead of after.

Hebrews 4:14-16
“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”