When was the last time you had a sleepless night? Until this year, I don’t remember ever having one. However, in the last four months, I have had three. Nights where you just lay there, tossing and turning, your mind racing. It’s like a train in my head. The wheels turning, smoke churning- racing down the track. The first sleepless night was caused by the realization that I might have missed something wonderful. I laid there- envisioning what could have happened, what might have been, what I should have done. I was filled with the intense fear that I had forever screwed things up! The last two nights of sleeplessness were surprising to me. I had found out some sad news about someone I know. The specifics of the news are not important- but the brevity of the decisions that were made by this person is great. My heart broke. Questions filled my mind- “What? How could he? Was it always like this?” I thought of this person’s family and the pain he was causing them. Piercing though loudly was “How could he turn his back on God?” For days afterwards, my mind and heart were overwhelmed with concern for this person.
Times of despair and heartache reveal our heart. We can hide behind our mask when times are good- but when trouble comes, it exposes what we really think about God. In both the situations- my heart turned to prayer. On my bed, I cried out to God- pleading for His direction, for His grace to reach those involved, for conviction of heart, for restoration, for comfort, for protection. I wish in my every day life I could say that I was a person of prayer. I offer bits and pieces of prayers throughout the day and when I feel burdened I write in a prayer journal. But, I would not classify myself as a person of prayer. I am thankful that my heart turned to the Lord- but ashamed that prayer is not my regular habit, not a characteristic of who I am.
The other realization that hit me was how emotional and upset I got over the sinful choices of someone else. My heart grieved for this person. And yet, my heart does not grieve over my sin as it should. I make excuses for my behavior- my choices- my sin. I offer up a little prayer of forgiveness and go on my merry way, only to fall flat on my face again. God always offers grace and mercy- but I often forget (or choose to forget) that my sins grieve His heart. It pains Him. He watches me, one who He loves and gave His very Son to provide freedom for me. And I turn around and throw it back in His face.
I’m working to become more disciplined in my prayer life- and I’m praying that my heart will be more sensitive to how my sinful decisions grieve the heart of God and that I would respond before I commit them instead of after.
Hebrews 4:14-16
“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Times of despair and heartache reveal our heart. We can hide behind our mask when times are good- but when trouble comes, it exposes what we really think about God. In both the situations- my heart turned to prayer. On my bed, I cried out to God- pleading for His direction, for His grace to reach those involved, for conviction of heart, for restoration, for comfort, for protection. I wish in my every day life I could say that I was a person of prayer. I offer bits and pieces of prayers throughout the day and when I feel burdened I write in a prayer journal. But, I would not classify myself as a person of prayer. I am thankful that my heart turned to the Lord- but ashamed that prayer is not my regular habit, not a characteristic of who I am.
The other realization that hit me was how emotional and upset I got over the sinful choices of someone else. My heart grieved for this person. And yet, my heart does not grieve over my sin as it should. I make excuses for my behavior- my choices- my sin. I offer up a little prayer of forgiveness and go on my merry way, only to fall flat on my face again. God always offers grace and mercy- but I often forget (or choose to forget) that my sins grieve His heart. It pains Him. He watches me, one who He loves and gave His very Son to provide freedom for me. And I turn around and throw it back in His face.
I’m working to become more disciplined in my prayer life- and I’m praying that my heart will be more sensitive to how my sinful decisions grieve the heart of God and that I would respond before I commit them instead of after.
Hebrews 4:14-16
“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
1 comment:
God is clearly softening your heart.
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